Letter Writing is an excellent coping skill

Letter Writing is an excellent tool for those who struggle with mental illness,especially depression and anxiety, like I do.

One of the things I have found helpful in my own life is letter writing. I write letters to people who are negative towards me, people who upset me, even people like my own mother who also suffers with mental illness and our relationship is extremely strained.

Letter Writing allows me the freedom to focus on what I want to say to a specific person without worrying about the emotions and anxiety a face-to-face conversation causes. It also allows me to distance myself from the situation that is causing the strong emotions and look at it in a new way. It gives me the satisfaction of knowing that I got to express how I felt about the situation and how I saw the situation without the other person arguing with me and butting in.

Although I rarely send these letters to the people they are intended for. They give me piece of mind. My feelings are valid and I feel as if I am addressing the situation without forcing a confrontation.

Below is an example of just such a letter I wrote this morning about a situation that came up in my extremely dysfunctional family.

For a little background, my nephew Ty was born a year ago this week. My brother decided that because of my mental illness he would prefer I do not play a role in his son's life. He has since relented. However, I am struggling with the fear that  he will change his mind and if I become close to this child, my heart may be broken again.

By writing Ty letters, I feel as if I am involved in his life without putting myself in a situation where I may get hurt again. And if someday he asks why I wasn't around. I can show him the letters and maybe he will understand that I do love him dearly and I was put in a tough spot.

November 13, 2010

Dear Ty,

Happy first birthday!. You don't know me, but I am your father's sister. I am sure that as you grow up you are going to hear an awful lot of things about me. Some are true and some are not. This is my side of the story.

I was really excited about being an aunt. I helped plan your mother's baby shower and shopped for months. I bought you clothes including a onesie that said I love my aunt. I also purchased a stuffed baby Winnie the Pooh and huge stuffed Tigger for you to lay on. You could hang things off his tail and bat at them, smiling and laughing.

My relationship with your grandmother is extremely strained. I love her very much, because she raised me. As an adult, I am able to look back on my childhood and realize that parent's aren't perfect. My mother made mistakes just like all parents do. The thing is that I truly believe my mother raised me the best way she knew how with what she had to work with.

I carry around a lot of pain from my childhood. Being a child was the toughest experience I have ever survived. Both my brother and I have scars, pain, frustration and anger from those days. Each of us handles those things differently.

Mental illness runs in our family. Many mental illnesses are hereditary. I know that several of the problems I struggle with today can be traced back to my mother's father. He suffered with depression and anxiety. My mom suffers with depression and anxiety, as well as, some behavioral disorders including Narcissism and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. She suffers severe mood swings, as well.

I was diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety when I was 13 years old. It is common for mental illness to develop during puberty. I was lucky that my mother decided to get me help and I began going to a therapist right away. When my symptoms continued to worsen over the next two years, it was decided I should try some antidepressant medication. Since then, there are few medications in the psychiatric field that I have not been on. I most likely will be on these medications for the rest of my life.

Medication, therapy, hard work and motivation have helped me become a contributing member of society. I have a steady job as a baker at a local grocery store. In addition, I am applying to receive my MFA in Creative Writing with a specialty in popular fiction. I am currently working on a fantasy series.

You have never met me. This is partly my own fault and I take full responsibility for it. I has been my choice to limit my interactions with you. I love you more than you could ever know.

Unfortunately, when you were born I was limiting the contact I was having with your grandmother. For my sanity, I have to set boundaries with her involving our communications. During the time I was limiting my contact with my mother, I was messaging both your father and mother on Facebook , a social network online. I was under the impression that although relations were rocky with my mother, relations were fine with your parents.

The day you were born was an exciting day for everyone. We had all been anxiously looking forward to your arrival. In Bedford, where I live with my husband and your uncle, we were going about our days normally. We were talking about you constantly and how we couldn't wait to meet you. A couple of days later I noticed that everyone was congratulating CJ and Brad on Facebook. At that point I realized you were born. I couldn't wait to find out all about you. I picked up the phone and called my brother but he wasn't home. Then, I picked up the phone and called my parents. The information I got was that your father had decided that he wasn't comfortable having me in your life. He was worried about you. He knows I suffer from a mental illness and several times I have cut ties with my parents and him. He was concerned that if I was a regular part of your life, and I cut ties with the family that action would affect you and he wasn't sure how he would explain that to you.

Your father fails to understand that I do not have difficult relations with every member of our extended family.

I struggle in my relationship with my mother, but this has nothing to do with anyone else. She is a difficult person for me to get along with and the easiest way to put it is that she is very verbally and emotionally abusive towards me. She is in denial about a lot of things and is unable to realize that she has her own mental illnesses. In her self-centered view of the world, her problems will be cured when I am cured. She blames me for her own inadequacies. Furthermore, she reacts violently when anyone challenges those views.

As for my brother, he is unable to see himself as a separate person from my mother. His identity is strongly linked with hers. In the world of therapy it is called co-dependency. But definitions do not matter. Basically in his mind, when I set boundaries with my parents. I am also setting boundaries with him and his family. Therefore, when I remove my parents from parts of my lives I am also removing him. He is hurt by this. These feelings of hurt have motivated the decision for me not to be a part of your life.

I can understand this. It makes complete sense, but that decision of his tore my heart in two. My tiny scarred heart was ripped from chest and stomped on until it became a bloody mess. Now it has hardened back into the cold lump of crap it has always been. Now I am angry. Anger is a protection against being hurt again by the people you love.

It has been very difficult for me to look back at these events rationally. I took myself out of the anger and pain to try to explain in the best way I know how what happened. I want you to someday be able to read this letter and understand both sides of the story.

I have since apologized and am on good terms with my family currently. However, I cannot promise that I will never again need to set those severe boundaries. The only thing I can promise is that these things have nothing to do with you. You are special and loved even if you do not get to see me or be around me. I think about you all the time and wish you only the best. And if a time comes when you feel alone and unloved, if you want me to be there for you, I will.

For now, though, I am choosing to keep my distance. I don't want to hurt you, but I also worry about myself. The road to recovery is not easy, Ty. Every day of my life is a challenge. So I made a decision that I didn't want to be a huge part of your life. I would prefer if we kept our distance for now. That way I cannot inadvertently break your heart with an absence. In the same token, if your parents decide it would be healthier for you to not have contact with me. My heart will not be broken a second time. I just don't know if I could stand that. A heart can only be broken so much before it can never be put back together again.

As tears trace paths along my cheeks, I would like to leave you some positive thoughts about your mother.

Like I said before, I know exactly how hard it is to grow up surrounded my dysfunctional family. Your mother does as well. Growing up is not easy, but the fact that you have your mother brings me great comfort. She will be a wonderful mother for you and she will love and care for you like no one else.

Your mother and I were good friends in school, seventh grade I think it was. This was her first year at Harbor Creek High School. It was several years before she met your father. We had crafts class together and I often helped her with her homework. Those times make me smile. C.J. is a special person and my brother and you are very lucky to have her in your lives.

Love,

Aunt Nicole